Life, love, and broken cars...

Eh...been quite awhile since I've posted on this thing. Got a new car a few days ago, actually about a week ago. Damn axle is already fucked up. So...it's sitting at the guy who actually fixed up the car's house now.

He's a good guy however. He's in the National Guard, or Army...or something like that. He fixes tanks, and so does his twin. So, he does this as "slightly more then a hobby" kind of deal. I paid him $1,200, he found me a nice car. A 2000 Dodge Status, with minimal damage. He fixed it up, and got it a new wonderful paint job. (It's Kermit Green, btw.) And got it all nice and stuff. But then a couple of days into driving it, we found out that the axle is weak. (Something that couldn't have been found out without driving it a good bit, actually.) So as he's out on guard duty, it's sitting in his garage, waiting to be fixed.

I still smoke. And I'm getting married. W00T! Oh well. I love my fiancee, and he loves me. He's so awesome, and he makes me laugh so much. We're getting married in a about a year. I've known him for about....5 months now. We've been talking over the 'net now, and we're close in age. (He's 21, I'm 20) So there's not too much of a difference. Which is really super nice. Mother's not even that objective about it.

Probably cause he's only a 11-12 hour drive away from us. Lives in CT, he does. He's just awesome.

Sometimes I really wish I didn't have to work. Just...be a princess, living the life of luxury, giving out orders from my plush, velveteen chair. The ruler of the roost. The Queen of all. But no. I have to work. I can't even have the pleasure of spending however much time I want on the computer. I am limited when my parents are home to only 2 hours.

I swear one day, I'm going to fucking win the lottery. Then, who shall call me weak, and lazy!? No one!!! No one will call me weak and lazy, never more.

Sometimes I think about killing myself. Letting it all end. But...I can never get around to doing that. I'm way to...to...skittish. To do that. To kill myself. Let it end. Let this pain and mental anguish end.

No one understands how my mind works. I don't believe anyone can. A look into my mind reveals worry, and flashing thoughts the speed of light. Thousands of images, many distrubing, and disrought with anguish.

I escape to my fantasy worlds more often then not. They keep my company when I'm down. They give me warmth, and the pleasure of knowing...someone truely loves me. But then, I'm dragged back to the cold, harsh reality that is my pitiful life.

I want some cigarettes. I'm out of them. I want a smoke. I wish I could go truely insane, and just live my life out in a mental hospital. Nothing to worry about. Be cared for, and looked after. So I'd have to wear a straight-jacket. So what? I wouldn't mind it. I'd proably love it. Be able to be held tight, never cold; sleeping how I want in a bed.

I'd bring my own snuggly blanket with me. My beautiful red one. And my little "blankie". Then, I'd be happy. Nothing else to worry about, just taking my medicine, eating, watching TV...and nothing else in the world....

I'm having tons of fun at my neighbor's house. We're going to have some fun.

As for my book, I'm still pretty much bogged down.

Muppets on the Cosby Show

[Warning: Emo Post Ahead!!]

I'm just tired of all of this.

My mother is against me. My Dad dosn't care anymore. And I'm just fed up with it. But...I'm broke. I have no where to go, no job yet, and my car (which isn't even fixed yet) isn't paid off. Then to top it all off, I've started watching My Sweet 16 on MTV.

Oh yeah. That really helps me when I'm down. I see all these rich little bitches and bastards when they have the biggest freaking blowout birthday I've ever seen in my life. And they are just....so....unapperciative of it all. It just boggles my mind!! They never say "Thanks Mom/Dad, for spending godawful amounts of money for me to have the best 16th birthday party ever!"

They never say thank you. They. Never. Do. The closest I've ever seen any of them come close to saying "thank you" before the whole shindig was over, was this one girl. She bitched and moaned, and FINALLY when she got her way. Got what she wanted...she said "Thanks Daddy!" But it was only after she bitched so loud over it.

I look at that, and I think.

I'm not that spoiled. I'm not that bad. Yes, I get snippy sometimes. Sometimes I want to cuss Mom out. But I never just bitch and moan until I get my way. I try to manipulate sometimes, but never to the extent I've seen these rich kids do!

I just want peace and quiet. My own place.

I WANT OUT OF THIS HOUSEHOLD.

That's all I guess. I just want out. They're on the cusp of getting divorced. Mom is getting overly preachy sometimes nowadays. I just want to enjoy a day out with my friend, no bitching, no whining about when I wanted to spend the night.

Just a night out away from you, and you can't even leave me alone for more then 3 hours without calling my cell time and again. I'm just getting fucking sick and tired of it all.

I want it to end. I just want it all to end. But not by suicide either. I just want to get out of this house, and this family.

 

This is the new BookCrossing code for "Sadie's Stories".

809-3948125

I wish I had some cigarettes. I'm getting bogged again in my writing. And also keeping up with my book too. >> I can't wait for this Thursday though. I'll be going out with Kelly and stuff. It'll be SO awesome.

Well, that's about it for today. Short, sweet, and to the point I guess.

I feel like him. I eat so horribly.

I'm also so tired lately. Felt like I was going to pass out in WalMart today, from the heat. I probably shouldn't have worn my black pants in this weather. Didn't realize it was going to be so friggin' hot!

Yes. We were at WalMart. But guess what? The place was CLOSED for Easter holidays. >_O Great. Oh well. I can try AGAIN on Thursday. I'll be going out with Kelly then, and I'll get some good stuff done with her. Go get sushi. Yummy.

Yeah, this is becoming a very boring blog. Oh well. I can rant and rave and no one will care. Because no one reads it. Great.

Happy Easter, loyal readers of the blog! Still trucking along with the story. Hoping it'll be easier soon, but I know it won't. Still trying to get over to Walmart to fax the letter. It'll be quicker instead of mailing it, but it won't be easy trying to get over to a fax machine either.

God, I gotta get in tune with Emily and Jerome now....can't seem to write anymore, and I've left everyone on such a cusp too.

Well, gotta get back on the story now.